Real Vampires (a story in progress)

Okay, so, you are going to find a LOT of uploads here from me over the next couple of days, mainly because I am taking things from computers, email addresses, and social networking sites and supplanting them here.
For your reading pleasure, I have included a story I have been working on for weeks. I am in a current vampire nostalgia phase right now, and so that inspired this story. Here it is, and I hope you enjoy it!


Okay, so here's what you need to know about vampires. The fact is this: they are all fucked. Yes, fucked. Not damned, but just plain fucked. Why is it I may say this? Well, think about it, they cant go out in the daylight, so that limits their amount of time to do much of anything, they therefore have to take night jobs, which never pay very well, and usually overwork you, and lastly, though they are immortal, they are not invincible.Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking, 'man, i've heard this shit before, just explain your lore and such so I can begin a new pie-in-the-sky fantasy about maybe someday drinking blood, and living forever, blah, blah, blah. Well you're wrong in thinking this, because for the first time in your life, you will be reading about REAL vampires. Yeah, those wet dreams you been having since you first picked up a copy of Interview with the Vampire, weren't all for nothing.So I suppose I should tell you who I am, and why the hell you should listen to me and keep reading my version of what you will likely come to think is total bullshit. No, i'm not a vampire, nor am I a vampire-hunter. Buffy, and Anne Rice already covered those avenues and I dont wish to follow in eithers' footsteps.So here it is, you should listen to me because I have been where you are. I began reading The Vampire Chronicles at thirteen years old just after my parents divorced. I was obsessed, and since I'd never had any real religious foundings in my life, it fit well into my own little world's mythology. I remember I would go out to empty parking lots, and dense forests and scream the names of the main characters, hoping that they would swoop down and take me with them. Years later, I had read all the books, and was still hoping they would come and find me and take me away from mortality. So, having my thirst for all things vampire unquenched, I decided to do some more research. And as many of you, I found the World of Darkness and its many novels to satisfy my hunger temporarily. I lived in the middle of nowhere at the time, and Magic: The Gathering had barely caught on in that town, whereas it had been a known presence in every other school, in every other state I had lived before. So, I was definately not going to be able to find people to play the pen-and-paper version with. Of course, I had again, read all those books as well, and was left wanting more, when I discovered the Chronicles of the Mayfair Witches by Anne Rice. It didnt exactly satisfy my hunger for vampires, but it did keep it at bay enough that I didnt notice it. I had quickly read through all of that series, and was convinced that people had abilities inside them that just needed to be brought out via incantations, spells etc.So I wandered into my local big-chain bookstore and stumbled into the New Age section. In this particular store this section was right next to the Christianity, Past Life, Psychic-Reading/Tarot section. It was quite odd to see all these together, and the various people who frequented such spots. You would see piercing-clad gothic-gown wearing teenagers standing with their new spellbook, right next to an old lady reading her new Christian-affirmation book. Inevitably the Christians and adults would stare and glare at the goths or New Agers, but for the most part they left each other alone.I did not fit the description of either in that area of the bookstore. I wore slightly baggy jeans, a polo-shirt, and a black baseball cap. I also had glasses which people usually assume meant that I should be in the mathematic section. I ignored the glares from the New Agers and Christians alike and perused the section on witchcraft. As it turned out, almost every one of the books was directed towards women or girls, and almost every central figure needing to be prayed to was female. Book after book said "the guidebook for todays witch" or "female empowerment for a new age" etc. This put me off quite a bit, but I got past it, and found a book or two on just general spell work. I raced home and began to read as I quickly came upon the first hang-up. Each of the several so-called spellbooks I had purchased required an 'altar' upon which to put candles and various items. Well I was a young teen, and in todays world, a young male teen buying incense and scented candles either means I'm covering up marijuana smoke, or I'm gay. Either way, I knew my mother wouldnt be for it, not to mention the 'altar' required a cloth of some kind and putting candles upon this would pose a fire hazard, again, that wouldnt thrill my mother either.So I was quite limited in the things I could do in these books, however I did have some things that didnt require an altar. The first I tried had something to do with teleportation/transportation. I was so excited I just read the process step-by-step rather than reading the whole thing, then doing it. It essentially involved envisioning your favorite place to be and drawing a little and a few words about it, and some incantation words and saying a sentence or two. Anyway, I followed the directions to a T, and folded the paper into a paper airplane, as instructed. I then closed my eyes and walked outside, waiting for a stiff eastern-wind, and released the paper airplane into the air while saying the correct phrase. The book said as soon as I opened my eyes, I would be where I had wanted to be. Instead I opened my eyes in enough time to see my paper airplane rise up, and plummet towards the ground and into a large puddle of mud. A fitting metaphor for my hopes at that moment.After reading several pages from the next book, I had returned the previous book on the sheer basis that if it had a single spell in it that didnt work, then the whole thing wasnt guaranteeing success, and therefore it wasnt worth my money, I mean, you dont buy a blender if you know it will only work for only some people. I still had hopes though with this next book. This one required a wand with which to do my incantations. A fan of the Harry Potter series, this very much appealed to me. However, I found yet another hang up. I was required to first, ask a tree for a fresh branch, as an old branch meant that the tree had discarded it itself and therefore if the tree found it useless, so would you. So I had to ask this tree to give me a fresh branch, and then wait for the next complete moon-cycle, going to that tree everyday to preform this 'ritual of asking'. As it turned out, a complete moon-cycle was like 30-90 days! I was way too busy with video games, and not doing homework to be able to bike to where a suitable tree was everyday. So that was totally out of the question. I then read that once I had a fresh branch, I would have had to dry it through a certain specific process, and then place it on my fucking altar, AND THEN carve any of the symbols in the book that I thought were pretty into the branch. I was smart enough to know any young teenage male with a sharp knife that wasnt being used for eating was an accident waiting to happen, and I wasnt totally sure on the status of my mother's health-insurance plan since my parents had divorced. So, as the thought of New-Agism slipped, the hunger for all things vampiric came back. I tried to read the last of the books I had purchased, but they only proceeded to disappoint and enrage me. A few good examples were the seemingly-promising 'Invisibility Potion'. This spell required me to get a certain type of white wine, and put a bunch of different herbs into it and let it ferment in the refridgerator for thirty days, again having to do with moon-cycles. At the end of which I was supposed to drink a glass of this every day for a week, chewing on the herbs a little, but not swallowing them. The end of the description read 'at the end of this process, you will find that people notice you a little less". How a teenager was to pull off such a process I have no idea, although the book wasnt really directed at teenagers.And there I was, very disheartened, and very much wishing to get back to the good old vampire lores. This time, I had found text-based roleplaying via chatrooms to satisfy my thirst for all things vampiric. This was quite a fun time, and I still reminisce about all the various characters I created and all the various things I did with these characters. This was by far the most interactive part of my urge to get into the vampiric lore, so it was the most fun for quite some time. However, the various chat rooms thinned more and more and people were going to various other versions of text-based chats, and other chatrooms, and I realized that even this awesome and fun world was perpetually in a state of flux: the characters your character interacted with may not return, and therefore if you base lengthy story arcs on the interactions, you could be setting yourself up for a fall, not to mention, once a chat room was nearly devoid of characters, everyone had no choice but to move their remaining characters to another chat room and start brand new story arcs with the characters in that new room. Of course, this too began to wear me down, and I was beginning to approach graduation. I dont want to make it seem like I didnt have friends or other things I did with my time than these things i've listed, I had plenty of friends, went to plenty of movies, played plenty of video games, and dated plenty of girls during this time period. What i'm describing here is simply trials and tribulations of trying to satisfy my craving for all things vampire.By now, you probably have one of two outlooks about me by now: 1.) I have all along been questing for Jesus and God and that is why my thirst is never satisfied, its the thirst for the Light of God. 2.) I'm kinda funny and you've had similar experiences to the ones i've listed here. If you have the first outlook on me, I highly suggest you discard this book, or return it to wherever it came from. If you have the second outlook on me or you are sitting in the New Age section of your bookstore right now, look around and see if you are near to the Christianity section, and make sure to return the glare the elderly people there have been giving you for probably five minutes now. Alright so, you have read this far, and I'm sure you are craving a bit yourself, I mean especially after reminiscing as i'm sure you've done. Well, here it goes, the meat and potatoes of the story, likely the reason you picked up this book in the first place. Let us fast forward a few years. I am in my mid-twenties and I am no longer living in the middle of nowhere. I live on the East Coast again, on the mid-east side of Florida. My thirst had grown into an obsession over the previous years because I had tried to block it out and forget about it. Having tried Christianity, Catholicism, Judaism, New-Agism, and even Buddhism, I was left with only the fact that I wanted something that none of those could give me. Resurrection and miracles are only cool if they can happen often, in my opinion, and since only one person was ever reported to be able to resurrect, and you cant bank on miracles, I decided that religion wasnt my cup of tea. Even everlasting life meant that you had to wait until you died (average life expectancy being 70-80 years!) and then you would be reborn. I wasnt really eager to wait that long. So, using the resources of an adult, I decided to become a vampire hunter of sorts. Not hunting down and killing vampires, but looking FOR them, their existence. I had resigned to the fact that in my search I could possibly be killed both because searching vampires would require only work during the night time, which is never safe in bigger cities, and that even if I found one or many, there is no reason that they would let me live.
So here I was, basically out of my mind, looking for something that had always been reported as being false. Something that was only in childrens nightmares, and pre-teen fantasies. I still dont know what my drive was, not even now, but I remember not being scared, not most of the time anyway. Of course I would sometimes become quite unnerved if I walked down a wrong alleyway and see a homeless person shooting up heroin, or even walking right into the middle of a local gang's meeting as I once did. But for the most part, I wasnt afraid. It wasn't that I wanted to die, or that I even didn't want to live, but rather, that for me, if I didnt find the existence of vampires, it would essentially mean that half of my life's imagining and reading was for nothing. In essense, if I didnt find vampires, I had lead a pointless life. If someone has tried all various versions of religion and only vampirism still appeals to them, it either means they are stupid, or they are just fucked. And for me, though that didnt sound very nice for me, however, it was my one real calling in life. I was never good at math, science, art, or much of anything that had to do with school, but I was good at two things: talking and typing. I would list thinking as an admirable attribute of mine, however that would not only make me sound very egotistical, but also inflate my ego even more than it already is, but, I would like to list thinking as well.So, as I said, I had begun searching for vampires. I wasn't sure where to start really, so I began to do some research. My local big-chain bookstore did the trick, and I waltzed in there happy as a school boy. I figured the best way to locate vampires is to understand them, and in order to understand them, I would have to read about them. As you can imagine, this was no small task, because there are probably a million books written on vampires out there.
I read through all kinds of books on vampires. I spent hours sitting in the coffee shops with a book propped open in front of me. The key to not getting caught for not buying the book before reading it was to just act like its your favorite copy, and try and break the spine as much as you can when you sit down, to avoid suspicion of it being new.There were too damn many books to purchase all of them, and there was something innately dirty about public libraries that I never enjoyed going to or reading books from. One book claimed it was the Encyclopedia of vampires, and it was sort of useful in the sense that it showed where the likely origins of the myths were, as well as, what books were released that perpetuated the myths. I read a few vampire romance novels, a few vampire tragedy novels, a few vampire hierarchy novels. By the end of it all I had read close to five hundred books, and I am no fast reader, this process took nearly a year. The whole point of this was to get as complete and comprehensive an understanding of vampires as I could, and to make a fact-sheet as best I could based on all the notes I had taken from all the books I had read. So the following is a list of the many different types of vampires that there is said to be:1.) The Monsterous Vampire (i.e. nosferatu, the living dead, known as the 'original' type of vampire. The kind who are obsessive compulsive, having to count every stick in a broom or every grain of rice before they can move on, and cant cross running water, returning to their grave nightly. Usually physically deformed.)2.) The Damned Vampire (i.e. the kind that wish they were human again, or still love humans, the ones usually weakest in vampiric abilities and the kinds from the vampiric-romance novels. Usually they either want to be killed and released from their curse, or they seek redemption through God, seeing the curse as a punishment.)3.) The Glorious Vampire (i.e. the kind that relish in their abilities, becoming glamorous and elegant. They either decide that they are better than humans and they are just their food, or they decide that they no longer wish to hide in the shadows, either due to lonelienss or they are tired of living in the shadows from their prey.)4.) The Scientific Vampire (i.e. looking for a cure for vampirism, as a disease, and usually working with humans to do so, or they are the type of vampire described by scientists, just a normal person with a slight sensitivity to light, and the medical necessity for blood transfustions, also, can just be a person who enjoys drinking blood, usually smal quantities, for erotic purposes)5.) The Psychic Vampire (i.e. a normal person who puts a drain on your emotions, or a demon of sorts, leaching off of people's spirits or emotions, rarely in a physical form) So there they are, five HUNDRED books and only the same five types of vampires. Now, dont get me wrong, there are tons of sub-classes that can be found under those headings, however, in general, all of them fit into one of those five categories. If you happen to have read any books that dont fit into those categories, I suggest you re-read that book, or re-read my descriptions of those categories, and if you still find some other kind, then just keep quiet and keep reading.So, after hundreds of books, and only five categories, I decided that there were several different types of vampires I could possibly find. I used the five categories as a benchmark, not as a classification of all the possible types of vampires I would find, but rather as an outline for what a REAL vampire might be like. So here are the options I came up with:
1.) An Integrated Vampire (i.e. a vampire that embodies all of the aspects of the various types that I listed above)2.) The Base Vampire (i.e. a vampire that only embodies what commonalities that exist between all of the various versions)3.) The Non-Existent Vampier (i.e. either there are no vampires, or there is only the medical-type, which I was not prepared to deal with)
So, I had all my ideas layed out over pages and pages of notes. I had filled nearly ten marble-covered notebooks. So I started sorting through all the pages and making a cliffnotes version of each. Once that was done I layed all of those ideas out and started to find out the common denominators to try and give myself as generalized a fact sheet as I can. If there was a majority, I used that as a 'fact', and put it in my list. My list is as follows: (and i promise that this is the last numbered list for quite some time)
1.) Vampires look relatively normal, and can usually pass as human with ease.2.) Vampires live forever under natural conditions3.) Sunlight = Bad for them4.) Generally, the older they are, the more power/ability they have. 5.) Blood sustains them6.) Vampires tend to stick together (whether in the small groups of maker, and makee, or in groups by lineage or belief system
(second part)

7.) Vampires take creating other vampires very seriouslyu, either because they dont want to "damn" more humans to the vampiric "curse" or because they dont want to spend eternity with someone they dont really enjoy being around.
8.) Vampires generally dont want to be known by mankind, either because it will harm man, or man will harm them.
9.) The odds are stacked against me that I will find any (i.e. i'm fucked)

So, there it is, my education into looking for real vampires. Now that you know the terminology I will be using, as well as how I came to the conclusions I did, I can tell you about all the shit I had to go through in my initial years of searching.
The first thing I decided was to move near to a metropolis-type area. The reason being that, if vampires tend to stick together, and they need to be near their foodsource, living in the woods or where there arent many people isnt a great idea. Not to mention, with forensic investigation these days, if they want to maintain anonymity, you wont do it by killing people in a small town, assuming that vampires had to kill to feed, that is.
So I moved to Virginia, near Washington DC. I figured that I could get a good job there, as well as be in a short drive to New York, Massachusettes, and New Jersey. So I packed up and moved with my hopes very high. I decided that I could start in Washinton D.C., it was big enough to possibly have vampires roaming about, and with all the politicians and business people running around, I was sure to find at least some Psychic Vampires.
After becoming aclimated to the fact that walking around a big city at the early hours of the morning was not nearly as safe as walking around a small town at night, I started to frequent the local bars. One of the most talked about and controversial topics is whether or not vampires can eat or drink anything other than blood. I did not yet know the answer to this question, but I figured even if vampires couldnt eat or drink food, they could have a delight with the malleable and inebriated patrons, I figured they were easy prey for a weak or lazy vampire.
I was a pretty heavy drinker in my younger years, however I have thrown up every kind of alcohol there is so after years of that, I cant smell the aroma of any alcoholic beverage without a slight heave. I wanted to be bait for any possible vampires that may have been lurking in the shadows of the dark and musty bars, however I couldnt get drunk anymore. So I decided to watch the patron's interactions. Those who drank alone, left alone, those who drank in groups, left in groups. If someone who frequents a bar is killed, the investigators would ask the customers if they had seen anyone or anything unusual. So, not wanting to be identified, a vampire would certainly not approach a patron on their own while they were in a bar. And even if a vampire decided to infiltrate a group, that would leave even more witnesses in case something happened to one of them.
So it slowly dawned on me that it isnt likely that vampires have to kill in order to feed. The body count alone would probably be tremendous, plus, vampires would have to shoot, stab, or break their prey's necks before they drank from them, because if they didnt, based on what we know of forensics, it would be obvious that their injuries were post-mortem.
This may seem like no big revelation for some of you, however, it was quite a big one to me. This meant that, if vampires didnt kill their prey, it meant that they cared not to be known, and that vampires were likely even sneakier than I had originally thought about their feeding. I had assumed that their naturally most vulnerable time would be during feeding, however, if they dont kill those whom they drink from, I wondered if those being drank from noticed when it happened? It also meant that the popular all-you-need-is-to-be-bitten theory of becoming a vampire was very likely not true.
So, if the vulnerability of a vampire didnt lie within their feeding, then when would be the next best place to find them? I'm sure some of you have already shouted in your head 'in a graveyard!' or 'while they sleep!', and that was exactly my next thought as well. The big problem that arose from this one was that I had no idea if vampires slept in coffins, mausoleums, or in normal beds. So, I went to a local graveyard, to see if I could find clues or inspiration. I had to jump over the fence because I went at such a late hour. I walked past some teenagers making out, some grieving family still staring at the engraved name they couldnt believe was upon the tombstone, and I found a set of mausoleums. I was quickly excited by the sight of a fire burning and some chanting. A little voice in the back of my head told me it was definately a vampiric ritual, but I knew that it was only my hopes getting the best of me.
It turned out to only be a group of teenagers and twenty-somethings practicing some New Age ritual. As I walked by them, one spoke to me, "Halt! Thou shall not disrupt the ritual sacrifice to the Goddess." these people were too chicken-shit to sacrifice an animal, or person, they instead had a bowl of fruit.. a goddamn bowl of fruit! I stifled a laugh, and put on as serious and sinister a face as I could, and spoke with a low tone "I am a messenger from he who has many names. Thou shalt not disrupt the business of the Dark Lord. Continue your useless ritual if you must but know that tonight, He shall arise, and not even your Goddess can stop him." with that I turned and walked away.
Now, some of you are probably asking why the hell I did that? Well, first of all, I watch a LOT of movies, and I'm pretty sure that came from either a movie or video game. Second of all, I always have thought I was more badass than I really am, and having this golden opportunity to mess with people arise, I couldnt pass it up. It could have only been more genius if I had done it to a bunch of Christians or Catholics, but, religion is religion, so its almost as good. If half of the people in that group didnt go to Satanism by the week's end, I would be shocked. The effect of my statement was amplified by the fact that I was wearing a long black coat, with the collar up to block out the cold, and a hat on, so I was as mysterious as I could have possibly hoped for.
As I walked further through the graveyard I realized that if a vampire lived in a mausoleum, they would probably have to take a shower because even getting near to the exterior of one can be bad enough, let alone staying on one a whole night. If they didnt shower, they wouldnt be able to get near enough to anyone to feed on them. And this lead me to believe that if they needed to shower, they needed a place to shower, and since you cant exaclty sneak into someones house to bathe, I realized quickly that vampires needed housing, and therefore they needed money, and therefore they needed jobs. And if a vampire needed complete darkness to sleep in, but they had a place to live, why wouldnt they just sleep in the attic, basement, or even just bring a coffin into the home?
After this realization, I quickly turned around, and left the graveyard, and went home to take a shower of my own. Instead of sleeping, I layed there for hours trying to decide how the hell it is I could find a vampire, based on what I now knew. They had jobs like everyone else, had homes like everyone else, needed money, definately needed entertainment, and they needed human blood, which was in abundance everywhere, which they could possibly take without them noticing. In other words, I wasnt looking for vampires at all, I was looking for super-sneaky-ninja-vampires.
(third part)

Alright, so many of you are probably getting pissed off at me that it's already been several pages, and still nothing on real vampires, just my bullshit about how I came to look for them. Okay, so I'll give you a taste of what you are looking.
Last week, I was sitting in a bar. It wasnt a very special bar of any kind, and I was for the first time in years, absolutely drunk. I wasnt celebrating an occassion or drowning sorrows, I had just forced myself to drink, one shot at a time. So I was sitting in the corner, and thankfully enough in a cushioned booth, it was the only comfort keeping me from vomiting. I layed my head down upon the cold, crumb-covered table, wishing that I hadn't had the last few shots of Captain Morgan.
As I lay there, trying to keep from throwing up my shoes, someone slid into the other side of the booth. I tried to protest but my voice didnt seem to be my own, and instead of the clear and intelligable words going through my head, all that came out was a series of slurred vowels, explatives, and a very long belch that nearly made me sick.
The person across from me who was only now coming into focus was smiling at me. Not a happy smile, however, but the kind of smile someone would give their child they were pretending not to be disappointed with. The blonde female came into view now as she began to speak. I realized several things quickly, she was young, early to mid twenties, good looking, and busty as all hell.
She pushed up the glasses that were sliding down her nose, and repeated what I had blatantly ignored, "We have been looking for you." The single statement should have jolted me out of any drunken stupor, however the effect of it had not settled in, so I did not understand the full implications. "Who the hell is you are?" I tried to make a conscious effort to make comprehensible statements to no avail. "Well, I'm not nearly as drunk as you are right now, for starters." The waitress came by the booth and the busty blonde ordered a couple shots of hard liquor, the thought of which made me almost gag. The young woman across from me took both shots of liquor in one quick gulp, and turned her cringe into an excited shout.
My body could no longer handle the contents of my stomach, and I was thankfully right next to the bathroom. As I started heaving into the sink, the blonde leaned against the doorway. Again, the covered-up smile of disappointment as I turned on the faucet and began to wipe my face off. I felt so much better than I had been feeling the last hour that it seemed that I was sober, though this was apparently not the case as I still couldnt get myself to form words properly. "I swear I'm not ass drunk ass I seems that I are."
"Well, aren't you a sloppy drunk." The young lady said.
"Well, aren't you an asshole." I replied, spitting into the sink to try and get the taste out of my mouth. The young lady grinned, obviously pleased somehow.
"My name's Cindy." she said.
"My name is piss-off" I replied, now angry that this person was practically stalking me now, and still hadnt explained themself.
"No it's not, your name is--" I cut her off, "Listen, asshole, if you are a fan of mine, leave me alone, you and I both know my name and I've spent my whole life hearing it, so, no need to beat a dead horse. If you aren't a fan, then you really need to leave me alone. I drink in the back corners of bar's, alone, for a reason, got it?" I wasn't usually this bitter, but that day hadnt been a usual day.
"Alright, but before I go, just know that you passed up the chance to talk to a real vampire." She turned and began to walk away. "Hah!" I said, drying off my face now with cheap papertowels. "I have recieved mail from hundreds of you people. People with blood-disorders who have a slight sensitivity to light. You bastards are the reason I am drinking myself si--" Suddenly I was restrained, with a hand over my mouth. I couldnt move my arms and I couldnt scream either. My first thought was that some bathroom mugger had heard my complaining and decided I was an easy target, then I smelled perfume.
"Listen here, shithead, if you are drinking yourself stupid, that's your goddamn deal, but I've been hearing about you for years, and it took a lot of balls for me to bother to humor your sorry ass. So show some appreciation." Cindy whispered.
She had moved too fast, I had seen her leave, and in an instant she had me held. Not to mention the fact that I couldnt seem to break free at all from her grasp. She wasn't lying, and I quickly decided she may have been what I was looking for all along, a real vampire.

Confused? Curious? Yeah, that's why I didn't wanna skip forward like that, but those of you who wanted to know what would happen, I hope I have satisfied your hunger for all things vampire, for now, at least.
Let me return to the night I got home from the graveyard. After the shower, which didn't help to focus my attention on how to find real vampires, I was lying down and watching some late-night talkshow. I suddenly realized that the best thing I could do, is get my idea out to the masses. I was just one guy, and I could only do so much, and even if I went to a new state every year, it would only give me 365 days in each state to find vampires, not to mention my horrible resume of constantly quitting jobs. So I decided to get myself out there as much as I could, and the way to do that came from one of my favorite books..
I had the paper in my hand and gleefully read the personal ad I had submitted. "Hunter, looking for real vampires. Medical vamps need-not apply. Want to meet. Call (987)-654-3210." Of course I gave my real phone number, but I didn't want to add that into this book, because any stupid teenager with a cellphone could call me, though I risked similar by submitting the add.
I submitted another similar add a week later, this time, asking for those who are 'real vampires' to submit an response via a New York newspaper. I had a friend of mine keep an eye on that particular newspaper for a few weeks, to see if anyone would submit. Nobody did, of course, and I decided to see what I could do to try and lure them out. So I decided that I would try and make myself stand out. I created my own website, basically explaining all the different kinds of vampires I figure there could be, and other such things. I was able to talk to many people in the town I lived in, and tell them about my website. By placing several signs throughout the city and surrounding cities, I was able to bring attention to my website.
Finally I scored an interview by a local paper. It wasn't very long at all, but, it was enough to get myself well known even more. Once my popularity waned in that city, I moved to another, this time I moved to Los Angeles. One of my best friends had a contact at the Los Angeles times, but she couldnt do much for me until I got more recognition from other newspapers. So I began to submit stories to newspapers nationwide. I submitted them in small and large format, I didnt care, so long as I could get myself mentioned, and what I was doing, in newspapers across the nation.
It took more than a year, but I had enough references that I could get a small interview in the L.A. Times. It wasn't a very lengthy interview, and it was nowhere near the front or middle, but it was there, and I got my foot-in-the-door with a large newspaper. This meant I could possibly get my ideas into a larger newspaper, if I needed to. I knew that there was only so far I could go, claiming I could be a vampire-hunter. And yes, I was claiming that I hunted vampires. It was the only way to make things seem legitimate, either I was legitimately crazy, or a legitimate comedian with a weird shtick.
So, a few months later, and lots of financial gain and loss later, I recieved a phone call. A particularly well-known late night talkshow, known for its low-budgets and B, and C-list celebrity interviews, wanted me on. It didn't seem like much, but the fan following behind it was rather large and almost cultish in its devotion to the wacky, Irish host. So I accepted the invitation, and drove down to the filming studio.
I was greeted by both friendly faces, and stressful faces, but neither seemed to be very helping or menacing, so I followed the man who told me to do so, into the green-room. Upon entering, I was immediately told to sign several forms that they would 'send to my lawyer'. So I signed each one, knowing full-well that I didnt have a damn lawyer, and certainly couldnt afford one even if I wanted to. Afterwards I was placed into a chair and descended upon by makeup and hair-artists. They all asked me "So, for your bit, we are gonna make you very gothic, very gothic indeed," one of the people asked if anyone had a pentagram in necklace or earring form, since he saw I had an earring. Before I knew it, my long hair had been straightened, lightly dyed darker, eyes encircled in dark shadow, a fake nose-piercing, and a large pentagram.
I wasn't very happy with look, but I knew that if I didn't go along with it, I would ruin my chance, and, hey, if these guys thought I was a comedian with a vampire-hunting shtick, and this is how I would be best received, who was I to argue?
"Three minutes, sir." A guy popped his head into my dressing room to inform me. I stared at myself in the mirror and it felt like it was halloween, only I had the expensive costume I could never afford, and professional makeup artists I had always wished could do the make-up. I didn't recognize the face that was staring back at me, but if all went well, I knew I could dress like this and nobody would recognize me normally either, hopefully.
"Two minutes, sir" I realized that up until this point, my so-called 'shtick' hadn't been fully thought out, and I had been using my real name. So I decided that when I went out on the stage that I would try and interrupt the host, and give him my new name to use. I was starting to get nervous, and couldn't think straight anymore, let alone try and construct a whole new name. How the hell would I interrupt the host? I suddenly realized I hadn't thought the entire idea through.
"One minute, sir, good luck!"
I stood up and looked into the mirror, into my eyes. I knew I was a much better bullshitter than a planner, and therefore I figured I would adlib the entire show.
"And our next guest is a sort of well-known to some of you, and not-so well-known to others, lets please welcome--" I rushed onto the stage as he was about to say my name, the men operating the cameras a little thrown off, as well as the host, as I blurted out "Sir, The Vampire-Hunter!". I saw a man just off stage gesturing to the host, the host, playing along with the 'we have no money' idea of the talkshow leaned over and said loudly "What? No, we don't have sharpies, what do you think, we have a budget or something?" and the audience laughed appropriately.
I sat down on the couch next to the host's desk, and stared past the lights and cameras to an eager audience. The host asked me first, "So, wait, your name is what again? I thought your name was--", I cut him off, "Look, I've heard my name said my entire life, and up until now I have gone by it, but now I enter into a new era of my life, for which my name shall be Sir, The Vampire-Hunter." The audience laughed a little, not sure who or what I was.
"So, Sir, you are a vampire hunter I guess?"
"Yes, and my name isnt Sir, it's Sir, The Vampire-Hunter. And, yes, as my name clearly states, I am a Vampire-Hunter." I kept a serious face, a good shtick never falters.
"Alright, Sir, The Vampire-Hunter, are you some kind of comedian? Like, is this a shtick, or do you really believe in the existence of vampires?"
"Well, is this show just a shtick? Do you really believe in the existance of fans outside this building?" The audience bust out in laughter.
The typical late-night banter continued and I really didnt say much of any interest, this was really just for face-time. I had gotten myself out there, and was a noticeable face. That night, after giving the plug for my website, I updated the name listed on my website to Sir, The Vampire-Hunter, and posted pictures of myself from the talkshow