Jesus The Carrot (Persuasive Speech)

"Carrot, my lord and savior. I believe that God is a carrot. I cant wait to see my creator, the carrot, who, sacrificed his only son, the cucumber, to save us from sin. I fear the Devil, who is a vegetable blender, for he is the way of evil. I believe salvation lies within liberating salad from super markets and through never eating vegetables. I shall lead a great life and live forever afterwards among the vegetables, and those who dont follow this way shall end up in hot, barbecue, hell where meat surrounds you for all eternity.

Now, you all are looking at me as if i've got lobsters crawing out of my ears, and you should be. Now, of course, I didnt mean any of what I said, but it sounded as unrealistic and stupid to you as your stories of God and Jesus sound to me. And why is this? Because you dont have any faith in the story i just told you, and I have no faith in the stories religion gives us. It all has to do with perception, and faith which is belief without proof. See, try and think of a way for me to -prove- my story to you. What if I gave you a cookbook that was written by four people who supposedly wrote what my made-up carrot God told them to write. Would you believe then?

What if you read the book and it told all about the life of the cucumber, who is like jesus, and all the miracles it performed, like turning ranch dressing into italian, and filling his followers with the Holy Carrot Juice so they could speak in the tongues of the potato and carrot. Would you be convinced upon hearing all the miracles he performed? What if the book told prophecies of the coming veggie-blenders and salad shooters? That is, if the book were made, say, 500 years ago before those were even a tiny idea. How about if you went to a convention of thousands of people who all chanted veggie-prayers to the Allmighty Carrot, and some were miraculously healed and some even able to speak the carrot and potato languages? What if I showed you the knife which was stabbed into the cucumber's side? If it still had the cucumber juices on it? You would not believe then either, because some cucumber juice on a knife doesnt prove anything except that a cucumber was stabbed some years ago. Well, what if I brought you a towel with the image of a cucumber imprinted on it, like the Shroud of Turin? Again, it proves nothing except thatg a cucumber was wrapped in a towel and somehow its imprint got onto the towel.

See, my argument isnt that i hate religion, or dont believe in a greater being, but rather its to show you that those who dont believe in God arent close-minded about God, but rather that we're too darn open-minded. One simple, non-proveable answer just doesnt cut it for us. You dont believe my carrot and cucumber story, saying, of course, that its true for the sake of arguement, because it just doesnt sound right to you. If I told you that the sky is black, we would argue for ages, but what if I actually saw the sky as black? What if thats the only color the sky has ever been for me my whole life? Am I a bad person for seeing the sky as a different color from you? No, i'm not a bad person for seeing the sky as a different color from everyone else. I am as bad a person for seeing a black sky as you are for liking rap music, or hating rock music, or any other things you percieve. And, who knows, what if everyone else sees the wrong color for the sky and i'm the only one who sees the real color? What the majority says or does isnt necessarily the right thing, even our own government was set up so that the minority would have an equal chance, because our founding fathers knew that the majority isnt always right. If you are with your friends and they all decide to go smoke pot, you're not gonna do it just because its what the majority has ruled, right?

I dont hate or have -any- dislike towards people who believe in God any more than you would dislike people who watch MTV or listen to country music. My problem comes when people try to convert me. If you try and convert me, its just like you saying "I dont accept you for who you are. You're a bad person for not believing in God, and so I will only be your friend if you believe with me. Otherwise, suffer in agony for eternity"

Now, excuse me for the analogy, but wasnt that Hitler's way of doing things? "Follow me or suffer the consequences."? He killed those who didnt follow him, you just sentence us to an eternity of rotting in a burning hell.

Take, for a moment, a genre of music you -hate- because it sounds awful to you and you highly dislike it. Now, try and see people all around you -loving- that genre and trying to make you listen to it, and saying that they wont be friends with you if you dont listen to it, or that you would suffer eternally if you dont start liking it. Thats is how we feel, supressed and repressed for being who we are. Whether we can change or not isnt a valid point, either, because any of us could start liking a genre of music we dislike if we're given it all the time or by any number of other means, but that would just be mean and wrong.

When asked if I am a religious person or believe in God, I immediately ask for that person's least favorite band or type of music, then, when they answer, I answer their question with a 'no'. Then, when they ask why I dont, I ask them why they dont like that band or type of music they mentioned. I just done, it doesnt "sound" right to me. I've read the bible, gone to church, prayed, the works, and it still just doesnt work for me. We all try our least favorite genre of music, which is how we find out we dont like it. Everything is about faith in things and perception of them. You see a blue sky and know that its blue, but I see a black sky and know its black, who's right? So, the next time you call someone who doesnt believe in God close-minded, remember the feeling you got when I told you my carrot story at the beginning, and then say that -we're- close-minded. The simple fact is that we -know- absolutely nothing. We see and ecperience things so often that we consider it knowledge, but its just combined perception. A blind person doesnt -know- that grass is green or that the sky is blue any more than we do. They're just names assigned to things our eyes percieve. A blind person -believes- that their house is red and that streets are black, but, until they see it, they dont -know- any of it. So, I leave you with this, you -believe- there is a god and an heaven and a hell, but none of you -know- it unless you've died. And since you're all sitting here, alive, infront of me, I assume all of you are just hoping that you're religious ideas are right. We dont know if God is a carrot, or that Jesus was the son of God, any more than a blind person knows that a rose is red."