What is Morality?--shaman sun

Ayn Rand might have us think that to be moral, you must first consider yourself. You, who are sitting here, reading this, allow all to be experienced. Without you, the individual, nothing else would be quite the way it is. The ability to love, laugh, think and create are in your powers—why would you seek to dismantle, or discredit this being? Point taken, and wonderfully written. However, the question persists, and as the battle of ideology and perspective rages on, what is morality, and what is it dependant upon?

We consider ourselves to be inherently ethical beings. It exists, but whether or not is fabricated, or whether or not it comes from a source outsideourselves is what is often debated. In the case of the New Atheists and the Christian Apologists, a few claims are made. These claims may both be missing critical pieces in their argument that bring us back to the start, once again.

The first claim is that of the Christian Apologist—Ethics are what steps us beyond the animal, and what gives us unique traits. Our capacity to love is other-worldly, and one that cannot be seen in other species. More specifically, it is a trait that cannot be seen even in other cultures that do not stem from Christianity. Our ability to choose love is our gift, and our ultimate responsibility.

Aside from a number of biased arguments—that compassion does not exist strongly on other religions and cultures, and that it does not exist in nature, this worldview requires a belief in the super natural. Case in point, it actually asks a lot of the convert to consider. It asks, in fact, of a whole other world, a world of supernatural, holy nature, to exist in order for it to be true. The ability to define, prove and otherwise accurately understand this other-worldliness has yet to be shown. To add the old argument of Occams Razor—the simpler the cause, the more likely it is true. This may not give us a sound argument, but it adds to the probability that to attach an entire metaphysical world to a view of ourselves may not be necessary for ethics, and compassion to exist.

The other arguments, that compassion does not exist strongly in other religion, and that it does not exist in nature, are both wildly inaccurate. If one is familiar with the Buddhist schools, Mahayana is the “vehicle” of the Buddha, which is love. The ultimate reality of the universe is love itself, which is Buddha-nature. Good works, works of compassion enable the practitioner to step beyond himself and slowly dissolve the ego. “Karma” by any sense is action, and not necessarily ethical punishment. To a Buddhist, good or bad karma is really a matter of how much of a boundary you put up around yourself- how much suffering you inflict on others, and how much you feel that suffering. To open up, to purify karma is to dissolve the ego boundary over the lifetimes, ultimately being able to love unconditionally and see the universe as one, non-conceptually. This may appear grandiose, and it very well may be, but it is another take on ethics, and a prime example of love existing far beyond the limits of the Judeo-Christian culture.

Does compassion exist in nature? Can an animal be ethical? Well, there is plenty of evidence for the behavior of compassion, that is, for compassionate action. Nature is not so brutal as to turn a cold cheek to all forms of nurturing. In fact, without some co-existence, the entire eco system would collapse. From an biological point of view, nature is trying to survive, but a species cannot survive without the help of its environment-including other species. Daniel Quinn, other of "The Story of B" and "Ishmael" describes it as the "Law of Limited Competition." This means that no species necessarily dominates over another, not to an extreme. When it does, it throws off the delicate balance of the ecosystem, and the whole system collapses. One could see nature as a continual reharmonization according to environmental and genetic changes. Harmony is key, balance is vital. It is not, as the traditional view portrays, violent and merciless. So, seeing nature as harmonic to this extent, are we surprised that our species has the capacity to be harmonic? Are we shocked that we are able to care for one another, just as the wolf does for her cubs? I will leave this point at that question.

To move on to the New Atheists, they often enough do not go with this naturalistic argument. Instead, they tend to go to some “innate sense” that humans have that provides them ethics. What is this sense? If they are referring to the naturalistic argument, that of nurture and compassion being a very part of nature, then this makes sense. Yet, they often do not refer to it. It remains a hazy, roughly undefined description of our “human ethics” our innate value system, or something to that extent. It would be much appreciative if the New Atheists cultivated the vast data to reveal that nature is nurture, as much as it is violent. Instead, it seems that the New Atheists often call upon the classical and traditional argument for ethics—that of a reasonable one. Kant’s “categorical imperative” come to mind here, the highly abstract system of ethics, of deciding what is right. Without diving deeply into this, it can simply be said that to be ethical mustn’t require a high degree of conceptual skills. It may include that, for sure, but it may not necessitate it.

Instead, what if there are varying levels of ethical development? What if the harmonized, intricate balance of nature is our primordial ethical soup? One in which we emerge from, and cultivate our own artificial reflections of that balance, slowly, surely understanding the harmony from whence we came? Then, there may be a gradual emergence of ethics, one where ethics are cultivated over time. We have a biological urge to care- for sure. A mother and her newborn are one example. These are not “ultimate” facts in that they are sometimes untrue. Child abuse, violence, murder and countless “unethical” behavior also exist. Yet we are still compassionate, no matter what society we come from, no matter what age, there is care involved. What does this say of us? That is at least a part of our nature. Biologically, we are programmed to have compassion, relationship. We are also violent and territorial. Our nifty development, the intellect, is by far a curious emergence. It has allowed us to use reason to make decisions, to conceptualize our environment, and even be self-aware. Our self-awareness may have a direct influence on our ethics.

The second emergence may be a familial sense of ethics- next of kin. We are close to our family and friends. This can be likened to an “ethnocentric” view. Be nice to you, if you’re one of us. A “worldcentric” view develops according to exposure to other cultures, people and places, as well as our own cognitive development. How self aware are we? Do we see how we set up boundaries to separate ourselves from others, and thus feel protective of our walls, and violent towards outsiders? This stripping of the boundary is indicative of higher levels of ethics—ones that the Bodhisattvas speak of, and even of the ethics the New Atheists care for: stripping away of our cultural conditions to see underlying connections. This is the vital link that creates an ethical society. All in all, we can see an emergence of ethics as that of something that goes beyond God vs. Godless—it is an inherently complex nature, in which some parts are born of genetics, biology and environment. Others are due to culture, both artificial and natural recognition of others in relation to the individual. Ethics is a part of a greater, grander development of the mind, of the heart, of the human being—who is always and increasingly growing and evolving. These days, that evolution is a cultural, psychological one. It is one of increasing complexity—the question is, can we see it that way, or must we see it so dualistically?

Rethinking Ethics, Society and the New Tomorrow-- shaman sun

As we spiral deeper and deeper into the information age, the singularity appears to draw near. We can get vast amounts of information at the push of a button—In fact, if we wanted to, we could download vast libraries of books, media and other forms of both entertainment and education. The internet, above all new advancements in technology, has created a decentralized culture of vibrant networks, oscillating and thriving, constantly shifting and flowing through the minds of its users. We have created a massive brain, in a sense, of knowledge and entertainment, culture and science. That, and literally anything else you could think of. In doing so, the internet as inadvertently shaped the mindset of the next generation (X, Y and so forth)—one that does not necessarily buy into the centralized, bureaucratic system we currently have in place. People are thinking differently. The rise of “open source” and collaboration have not only created breathing online societies, but also active groups in the real world. Networking websites (Meetup.com, for instance) have helped get people to do things and come together. In short, this is what Manuel Delanda has described as, “The Rise of Network Societies.” Its key traits are: decentralized power, network structure and collaboration.

As the old ways of doing things face the new way, we will see, and have seen some major shifts in power. The internet community, for example, has permanently crippled the media industry. The use of file sharing spreads like wildfire, and the hierarchical business structures attempting to combat it continue to lose legal battle after legal battle in the world. Attempts by lobbyists to limit the internet into “packages” like cable, or satellite T.V. have received fierce threats by Google, who, threatened in turn to broadcast the internet free from its orbiting satellites. These are only a few of the examples, and each is giving a powerful example of the network society. If communities and businesses continue to organize in this way, what can we expect? For starters, greater collaboration, integration of technology and activism. There will be institutions, but their purpose will be to simply keep the network growing, thriving. Those who can “hyper link” will be the greatest in standing. The most dynamic, adaptable will begin to win out in competition. Big business, though still existent, will be melted into vast frameworks of smaller business, all needing each other to co-exist, all of them co-dependent. Imagine, if you will, a brain. It is nearly infinitely complex, networked, yet still existing within it are general faculties with specific purposes. If all of this is abstract to you, you’re not alone. We can only imagine and speculate at this point, but speculation can certainly help us see what is happening now. We can ask ourselves—what are the important patterns now? And how are they going to be beneficial?

For starters, a network is by far more adaptable to challenges in its very structure. It has the whole of a community ready and willing to face a problem, and not simply one bureaucratic pyramid. If societies evolve, then this structure is the latest and the greatest in adaptation.
How will this new framework affect us culturally? How will we grasp both our morality and our ethics in such an ever-changing society? Or in Descartes words, where will we place our feet on firm ground? Take to mind the image of a sailboat. It has no “firm” grounding, yet it is a mastery of the wind and the sea—and ever changing, ever flowing ocean of air and water. Our grounding will not be so crystallized, but more liquefied. Our knowledge will rest on the ebb and flow of knowledge, network and flowing powers. If the information age has created a sea of knowledge, we must learn to sail upon it.

In this case, we must learn the nature of water, wind and the mastery of information exchange. We must become both sailors and swimmers, fliers in a world where there is no firm grounding anymore—and perhaps we are better off this way. Our fundamental attitudes on things may change, indeed, our very thinking structures may be affected by such a life at sea. We may find ourselves observing the flow between not only networks, but people and their ideas:The flow of perspectives, and their natural development. There may be a natural shift from seeing things in a classical, orderly way (That of modernity), to a balance of both chaos and harmony. Greater patterns emerge, and they may emerge in thinking, in ways that both the modernist and the postmodernist could not easily imagine. Religion, ethics and society itself may find a greater unity in the dynamic flex and flow of perspective. Surface features may become less important, as deeper currents are discovered. We may witness, as we are now, a reemergence of perennial philosophy, and collaborative religions! Imagine that! Protestants, Catholics and Buddhists working together, discovering underlying beliefs and ways to connect.

There are already movements to do see integral perspectives; some are successful, others merely collapse one into another, still others crystallize into frozen maps of the universe. What we cannot expect is a unified theory of everything—What we can expect is the ability to step beyond individual perspective and see the bigger picture, and act accordingly. In short, we are witnessing the birth of a society that no longer requires set boundaries. We are stepping out of our shells, and in doing so are seeing ourselves in a greater, deeper picture than ever before.

Some may turn away from this dramatic shift, and that is to be expected. With the coming of any new age, there are always those who wish to return to the old ways. This is actually quite understandable. Change is terrifying, and uncertain. For the most part, it seems downright dangerous. Yet, this new way of thinking may very well change us for the good—it may help us see that fear is something that must be released and relaxed, in order for growth to occur.

-shaman sun

Creativity

When you tap into creativity, coffee and cigs become your life blood.
You keep nutrigrain bars and cereal boxes nearby to fend off the caffeine jitters.
It's the one time you hate that you cant smoke in your apartment.

You have a special set of songs on your playlist for just such moments.
You find a song that strikes a chord with your creativity, set it to loop.
You never touch those songs when you're feeling normal. They're sacred.

Your bowels tremble from your surge in poor diet.
Using the bathroom is an inconvenience, an unwelcome intermission.
You hold it as long as you can, to ensure you dont lose your existentialism.

The TV is on, set to a channel you dont pay any attention.
The voices and flicker of light keep you grounded to reality.
The curtains are closed and only a dim light illuminates the room.

The graphite smudges as you furiously place your hand all over your drawing.
The drawing becomes something different than what it started out to be.
An evolution of consciousness and being, reflected on paper.

You lost count of how many cigs were left half a pack ago.
The wind blows your hair as you smoke your cigarette slowly.
You have every thought and no thought, only an urge to get back into your apartment, your sanctuary.

You pick a new song on your playlist, but it only distracts you.
It isnt helping you to tap into the vein of consciousness streaming from mind to hand to paper.
A moment later you go back to the previous song. Relaxation. It's perfectly you.

What sparked this streak? Your dreams the previous night?
Maybe it was styling your hair differently, maybe it was because you finally had a day off.
In the end, you are entranced.

The picture nearly complete. You cant start something new.
You keep fixing the drawing, making it perfect, so you can stay in your thoughts.
Too many smudges on the picture. Erasing those will keep you in No Mind a few minutes longer.

Something entrances you about the instant coffee string hanging from your cup.
Another sip, and you miss, spilling it all over your tattered jeans. Maybe it was your jeans that sparked this feeling.
It's heresy to the creativity gods, but you dont allow it to effect you. Stay focused, dont let the hot coffee against your leg take you from this perfection. No Gods, no masters.

Suddenly, a memory. You had a bike stolen, in another life. A dream life.
Why the hell would you need a bike? Unfortunately that thought hadnt occurred to you in the dream.
You strive for lucidity while asleep, but its unattainable, a breeze on your cig's hot ember.

Bend like bamboo. Become a river. Flex/flow.
These alien concepts, are now being directly experienced.
Turn states into traits.

The previous show ends, another begins.
Sad, I wish I had followed the Soprano's while it was still on.
A rerun you've never seen, and arent paying enough attention to enjoy.
Note to self, torrent all Soprano's seasons.

Another cig. Your downstairs neighbor walks by, smiling at you.
A fake smile returned. Fuck 'em, they're a distraction. Come back when you're feeling creative, cause you're fucking up my chi.

The house is too messy, you should really clean it.
Not now, im busy discovering Oneness.
National Geographic channel yearning for me to care about starving children.
Maybe later. I'm too busy malnourishing myself. Yeah, $5 a day aint much to most, but thats a pack of cigs you wont have the cash to smoke.

A text message, and a phone call, both ignored. I'm busy.
Adding a poster and a man prying open his third eye to the drawing. Buddhist chants on the wall.
Maybe this is a dream, and I am finally lucid dreaming. I wont test it to find out. I'm busy.

You forgot deodorant this morning, and the summer heat is reminding you of your need for it.
Your lip curls as you erase another mistake. No time for mistakes. Your moustache reeks. Did you brush your teeth?
Another trip to the bathroom. Not enough arms to piss, brush your teeth, and put on antiperspirant. Dont wanna hit the seat. Wiping it off would waste time. No time for mistakes.

Minty breath subsides quickly with the constant gulps of coffee.
A minute and thirty seconds for another cup. Makes you wish you had a coffee pot instead of these instant singles.
It gives you just enough time to get grounded to reality.

Good thing you showered earlier. No time for a cleansing rain.
Typing on your keyboard. Graphite under your gnarled fingernails.
You wanna change the song so badly, strike another vein of consciousness, start another picture.
A blog will suffice for now. The hollywood theme from a vampire first-person shooter. It cradles you, and entrances you. Everything and nothing. No Mind, and Every Mind. IBS flaring up. Gotta hold it, keep grounded to the existential, the infinite, the universal...

Morality and the New Atheists' Need To Act

Alright, that's it. I am tired of this goddamned discussion of morality. It's all horse shit and here's why.

The Christians say that morality and our sense of right and wrong comes from the Ten Commandments and then later the Bible. So, all pre-biblical people were fucked and spent their leisure time raping, stealing and murdering everyone all the time because they had no moral code?
No. It's a bullshit statement, so stop making it people!!!

The New Atheists all say, essentially, that we have just a sense of what is right and what is wrong. Some even say its just a "feeling". What the fuck is the difference between that and the "feeling" or "sense" that there's a God???? There is no difference, and these bastards who are supposed to be the figurehead of non-theist representation in govenment worldwide are making the same goddamned arguments the people they are fighting are.
Fire against fire doesnt work. So quit that shit.

Instead, when it comes to morals, don't point to books, scriptures, or theology. Point at a fucking eagle. Point at a snake. Point at some bears. Point at some bees.

According to the bible, the Earth was made for Man and Man was made to rule it. We were given a moral code. A set of rules to follow. Why is it that nobody brings in animals as the discussion's point??? Especially evolutionists! We come from animals, the people you are arguing against know this, why not use animals as your argument.

The fucking animals arent raping, killing, stealing, murdering each other. Yes animals do kill. Yes animals do rape. But not all animals do that, and in fact the majority of the animal kingdom only kills for food or in defense, only rapes to propogate its species, and only steals to survive. Again, this is not a constant thing in the animal kingdom, but that doesnt mean that its non-existent.

We need to start asking the Christians "Okay, well, without the 10 Commandments and the Bible, why are the animals not just wiping each other out? Why are they not destroying us? Or has God given them a sense of morality too? And if the animals have a sense of morality that arent written down, or taught to each animal, then why do we, as descendants of these animals, need it written down to???"

Why is THIS not brought up? EVER! It would allow the atheists to further prove that we have the same sense of well being as a group and an individual that animals do. However, this leaves the Christians having to figure out why. And if the simple answer is "well we didnt come from animals" then why arent the animals destroying us? or each other? why has no one species of animal obliterated another species and continued a path of destruction? "well God wouldnt allow that" well then, did God give the animals a sense of morality too? or does he just not allow any inter-species annihilation or any large-scale attack on the humans? and if he gave the animals a sense of morality, and they are less intelligent than ourselves, and can clearly grasp this sense of morality, then why did he leave us devoid of morality until Moses came along? did we not need it written down for us before then because we were nutty fucking savages? and if we had a sense of morality before Moses and the 10 Commandments, then what is the fucking point of the 10 Commandments and the Bible if we already had a pretty fucking good moral compass before Moses?

All I want to know is, why the FUCK this isnt the goddamned topic for debate when it comes to morality, instead the figureheads of the Non-theist movement default to saying we just have a "conscience" or a "feeling" of good and bad. Quit flaking on us guys, you are making yourselves look like hypocrites, and you are making the non-theist movement look like a fad. Organize together, have a discussion, and decide what your fucking answers are going to be AS A GROUP. Otherwise you are acting as splinter-cells and lose the look of a united front of a united cause.

You must describe, with science, morality. Do this.
You must describe transcendental states and 'peak experiences' in non-theological ways so that when people have such moments in their life, they don't turn to religion because it's the only thing that explains what their experiences are. Do this.
And you must stop fucking DEBATING everyone. These debates are not furthering the cause, but boosting your egos. Instead, grab a shitton of people to march on Washington or Parliament and demand representation. Organize sit-ins. Protests. Don't just throw money at funds and then retire to inflating your ego with another religious debate. FUCKING DOOOO SOMETHING! Get commercials on TV. Billboards. Protest sit-ins infront of churches. Demand that the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster recieve tax-breaks for all its members or the government is descriminating against their religious beliefs. SHOW THEM HOW FUCKING RETARDED THEY ARE AND HOW WE WILL NOT STAND FOR IT ANYMORE!!!

Do something. Selling books and t-shirts, and giving debates were all well and good to begin with, because it spread awareness about the cause. That's over. People know we are here. They know how numerous we are. But we are doing NOTHING to stop it. Lets quit doing more of the same by making youtube videos for us all to enjoy mocking the religious.

A great way to get shit done is to GET HOLLYWOOD BEHIND YOU! I fucking guarantee that there are people in hollywood who are nontheists who would love to march on Washington. This will bring even more people to help our cause.

Get together. Write a set of things out that needs changing. You are tilting at windmills if you think that you will eradicate all religion. No, the best thing you can do is start at getting equality and representation in government and then wait and cross your fingers that most prominent and supernatural-based religion will go away. There will always be crazy Scientologists and Haley's Commet cults getting some people's attention. It happens, and will never disappear.

So, stop debating and stop writing books, and stop putting and asking for money into secular funds. Raise money for EVENTS. Sit-ins. Protests. And to get people to washington to make themselves known. Imagine if you put a campaign together as big as Martin Luther King Jr. and every bit of funding you recieve went to plane tickets for people around the USA to fly to DC and protest and march on Washington.

If not, you are just wasting everyones time and hope that you will actually help to get anything done. It's time to get some shit done. To give explainations for ALL ASPECTS of life so that people who dont want to turn to religion, can get logical, and fact-based answers. No more "'god did it", let's be honest and not afraid to shrug our shoulders and say "we dunno yet". All of science is a fucking guessing game. THATS THE POINT! Why are we afraid to admit it? THATS WHAT SEPARATES US FROM RELIGION. IN THE FACE OF OPPOSITION OR A QUESTION WE CANNOT ANSWER WE CLAIM THAT WE JUST DONT KNOW, INSTEAD OF GIVING BULLSHIT DOGMA! Be proud of not knowing! It's what makes you ask questions in the first place. It's what separates you from just taking any shovel of shit any religion tries to feed you and accepting it. YOU ARE OKAY NOT KNOWING! THATS WHAT MAKES YOU AN ATHEIST/AGNOSTIC AND NOT A CHRISTIAN/MUSLIM/CATHOLIC.

I hope that somewhere on the internet, this gets seen by many people, and I hope that others can agree. Please, let me know if you are a non-theist of any kind and agree with what I've said here. And, please, if some religious nut starts quoting the bible, or ranting about the inaccuracy of this blog in the comments section, just don't give them the common decency of your time, patience, thought or emotion to respond to them. I will simply remove their comment, and we can try and keep to productive conversation here.

A Soul's Twin

The following is a fictional story based on real things that happened in my life. Enjoy...

Chapter 1: Introductions

Unfortunately, I was never lucky enough to have learned anything easily. I learned from the world around me; my friends, my family, books, video games, TV and the internet raised me. I watched and learned from my friends and family and began to develop my own personal moral compass. It all went horribly wrong one day, however.

"Hey man, you want to come over tonight?" My friend Michael asked over the phone.
"Yeah, it's cool, I don't work tomorrow." I responded

A couple hours later he came by my house to pick me up. He was quite excited because his girlfriend had spoken to him all day long, and they had caught up on things. She lived one town away, and so they rarely got to go anywhere together, but their relationship was more than a year old and going well.

My friend Michael and I were work buddies, and he had just moved into town a few months earlier. He used to live in the same town as his girlfriend, but now that he was farther away, most of the time he had an air of depression about him.

We drove down the road and he talked more and more about his girlfriend. I had been in quite a few relationships, but this guy seemed really stuck on this girl. "Must be quite a gal in the sack" I thought to myself. Almost as if he read my mind, he started to talk about his sex life with her. Nothing unusual for two guys to do, and I knew, just like every other guy's story about their sex life, it was way exaggerated.

We got closer to his house and I pulled out my newly purchased copy of Constantine on DVD. I grabbed my clothes filled bag out of his backseat and exited the car. It was weird because, the only things he was saying was about how intimate and close they got, but nothing sexual. I figured he was just wasnt the kinda guy to kiss-and-tell.

We got in his house, and the whole place was to ourselves. I put in the DVD and we cranked up his sound system. A little way through the movie, we paused for a break to get some sodas and other junk food from his fridge. He started talking about his girlfriend again, and I casually tuned out his ramblings. It wasnt that I am not a good friend, I had just been hearing about it all day and was tired of it by then.

He started talking about how alike his girlfriend and I were, and how the three of us should hang out sometime. I agreed and continued watching the movie. Half way through the movie and his phone rang, and he turned down the sound so I could barely hear the movie. I began to try and lose myself in my thoughts but he was talking on his phone quite loudly.

My attention was grabbed when I heard my name mentioned. Now his conversation interested me. He was talking about me and saying he was going to give the phone to me. I was already putting on my goofy-friend persona, because thats what guys do when they are forced to talk to people they dont want to.

"Hello?" The voice on the phone said with a slight giggle
"Yeah? Whats up? Me and your boyfriend were just talking about how hot you are, and he was telling me all the juicy details of your sex life."
A laugh, then "Okaaaaay.."

I bullshitted for a few moments and then passed the phone back to my friend. He played the movie and headed into his bedroom to talk to her some more. Now I felt isolated. Alone.

I tried to get into my movie, but I was no longer interested in it. Working in a movie theatre and seeing all the movies you want for free as many times as you can kinda puts a damper on the excitement of the DVD release. After the movie concluded, he left his room.

"Hey man, should I give her your number? I think you two would be great friends."
I figured I had enough friends as it was, but I shrugged and nodded in agreement.

The rest of the night was pretty boring, we hung out and talked more guy-shit. Then we woke up the next morning, and he took me home. After most of the day playing video games, the phone rang. A strange phone number that I didnt recognize.

"Hello?"
"Hi, who is this?" I asked.
"It's Carrie. Michael's girlfriend. Is this Mike?"

Yeah, my friend and I had the same first name.

"Yeah, what's up?"
"Oh, not much, how about you?"
I wanted to scold her for disturbing me in the middle of a marathon of video game playing. Instead I said "Just playing games."

I didn't talk a whole lot, because I was more focused on my game than the phone. But she began to tell me about how she was currently visting a local college for a few days, and all the things she did there. It interested me slightly, as not many people near where I lived went to college. So, I figured she had to be smart. Always a good thing in someone who is to get along with me.

A few days later, my nihilism towards her had subsided and we were talking on the phone nightly. She was very smart, and we were able to talk about anything and everything. Soon we had talked about our pasts and present lives. She was into the same things I was.

It turned out that she hadnt been popular in her younger years due to a birth defect that wasnt removed from her face until she was almost a teenager. By then, everyone in the small town had already made the friends they wanted to. She wasnt a nerd, or a geek, just an outcast, left alone. I had always bordered between mildly well known and geek my whole life. I didnt much care though.

We decided to make a meeting time for when she got back from her trip to the college. She was going to bring along a friend along that she had met at the college. The next day, I woke up, got dressed and showered, and headed out of the house and down the street. I walked everywhere I went, because very few of my friends had a car. So, I went to the designated spot and waited around.

She and her friend showed up after a half hour or so. Carrie wasn't extremely hot or good looking, but she was far from ugly. Her face looked like a blank canvas with eyes. Plain, but unique in her plainness. I walked with her and her friend down the road to the local gas station. Her friend was of american indian descent, and she was overweight with glasses. Naturally, I never listened enough to remember her name and spent the rest of the day trying to hide that fact.

A few hours later, and I invited Carrie and her friend to my house. I had no idea what we were gonna do, and I was nervous my mom was going to come home and kill me for having two girls over. So, we headed upstairs and Carrie's friend picked up my newly purchased guitar and started playing with it. Carrie and I layed on our stomachs on my bed, side by side, looking at the various posters in my room. Suddenly, I looked at her, and there was that 'spark'. That sudden connection you feel to someone only seconds before you are about to kiss them, yeah, that one.

Being a young, testosterone-filled male, I didn't think about the fact that this girl was dating my friend, or that her friend was just a few feet away from us, and even though she lived a town away it was possible for it to get back to my town. Nope, I didnt think about any of that, and luckily, neither did Carrie.

Either her friend wasn't paying attention or she didnt care to, Carrie and I kissed for a few minutes, before I realized the gravity of the situation. I don't remember whether I asked her friend to chill out downstairs so we could make out more, or if that was where it ended for the day, but, either way, the day ended, and she and her friend went home.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuuuuuuuck!" I couldn't believe what had happened. I couldnt tell whether I was shocked that she and I had such a connection, or shocked that it never should have happened and should never happen again. I paced around my house for at least a half hour. What the hell was I thinking??? Why did that happen???

Towards the end of the night, she called. I had been hoping the whole day that the damned phone would never ring again, and that I could forget about the whole thing. Unfortunately, I couldn't get past the connection we had, and how much in common we had with each other.

At this point, I believe some backstory is required to proceed. First off, I want to say that I was socially retarded in my younger years. I thought it a cool and good thing to tell people that I had special powers and abilities to fly, read minds, and other such fantastical things. Since nobody could disprove it, most people were just agnostic about it, or thought I was nuts and never talked to me again. This time that didn't happen.

I decided to tell her this lie that I had told so many times I almost believed it myself. She didn't blow me off, or just leave it alone and not talk about it. She believed it. With her whole heart. I was incensed, like a cult leader with his first real follower. Usually, I told this story to help weed out people who werent open minded, so I figured that it was a fifty-fifty shot that she would freak out and never talk to me again, and therefore the whole thing would be over with. It went a whole new direction.

She was curious, like her eyes had been opened to a whole new world. We talked for hours and she asked questions and I gave her answers. Along with this lie, I always mentioned that there was a propehecized soul-mate for me and I would know it when I met them, and they would know it. I did not think of the rammifications of telling that portion to someone so willing and accepting to it. Maybe I had charisma, or maybe I was a good storyteller, or maybe she just trusted me enough not to lie to her, whatever the reason was, within a few days she was convinced that I had these abilities, and that she was possibly my soulmate. And within that same amount of time, I had clung to that lie because it helped to justify the fact that I had made out with one of my friend's girlfriends.

Chapter 2: The Rollercoaster Begins

We thought we were in love. Yeah, that shit. We were batty for each other. But we got along so well. She lived so far away that we didnt often see each other often, but that seemed to reduce the amount of worries we had and drama in the small town. At least, it did for a time. She began to talk to me about my friend and talk about how much of a weird guy he was, and kind of a dick. I chose to believe it, because, even though it was none of my business, it helped to justify our weekly, clandestine rendezvous. A shock came a little while later when my friend let me in on the fact that, though he had been dating Carrie for some time, they had never slept together.

Almost every week she came over to my house and by the second time she was over we were sleeping with each other. A shock came a little while later when my friend let me in on the fact that, though he had been dating Carrie for some time, they had never slept together, and he was, in fact a virgin. That didnt make me feel very good for banging his long-time girlfriend before he did. She was lying to her mom to get her to my house, I was lying to my friend about why I couldnt hang out with him. It was a horrible situation to be in, and yet poetic, very Romeo and Juliette. Surrounded by opposition, we found each other.

Things had remained well under wraps, and no complications seemed to have come up, or would. When one of us got worried that what we were doing was wrong, the other would assure that what we had was real love, and it was destiny, and it was right, and we were just doing what we had to.

The local town fair was about to come around again that year, and I had gone the year before with my big brother. I decided that this would be the one place that Carrie and I could lose ourselves in the crowd, and not be noticed, and yet be out of the house, and in the town. The first complication arose when I spoke to Michael and found out that he was going to be going to the fair with his girlfriend. I hadnt heard Carrie mention this before, and she had already made plans with me days before to go with her. Trouble.

I really wanted to go, and so did Carrie, so we decided to just go about it in a sneaky way. She and I would go to the fair early, spend time together there, then, later in the afternoon and towards nighttime, we would both spend time with Michael and the friends he was bringing along. And then the next night, we would enjoy the nighttime events at the fair together that we had missed the previous night.

I had told Carrie that it was no longer cool with me that she was still dating my friend, and sleeping with me. It had just become too much. She told me that she would break up with him on the night of the fair, since that was when she would next see him.

She showed up at my house that morning. We had sex, and went to the fair. We went back to my house to have sex again around noon. I remember her drinking a huge glass of water very quickly. We laughed at each other. We were care-free for once, and it seemed like a good thing. I felt like it was the beginning of us really dating, a glimpse of the future. It was liberating, until, in the middle of having sex, Michael's friend called Carrie. We had ditched him to go back to my place. Then, Michael started calling, and we were trying to ignore it and continue on. Finally, we were done and we started walking back to the fair, hand-in-hand, and suddenly from the bushes separating us and the street, Michael's friends came out.

"Hey, we been looking for you two everywhere!" We let go of each other's hand and distanced ourselves from each other casually. Nobody saw. Then, Michael came over. He had on the face he wore when he was in public, which can only be described as "i look badass, right?". He took Carrie by the hand immediately and began to walk ahead. It was an absolutely shocking sight. I was not prepared for it, and had to remind myself that he was there first.

Jealousy. A feeling I had not experienced in a long time. I just kept back, and acted like I didn't know Carrie that well, and felt comforted that by the end of the night she would be my girlfriend and all these problems would be done with.

We all rode some rides and I tried to hide my discomfort of the summer heat and the situation. When they kissed, I cringed, when he held her hand, I scowled, when they hugged, I looked away. I decided that I had to find my other friends and hang out with them. So, I did, and kept away from Michael and Carrie for a few hours.

Towards the end of the night, Carrie tracked me down, sitting on a bench alone. She apologized for the days events, and told me that tomorrow would be different, and that in just a few hours she was going to break it off with Michael.

So, I hung out with Michael, Carrie, and Michael's friends, and suddenly Carrie and Michael had disappeared. Me and Michael's friend decided that they had gone back to Michael's car. We went there, and we could see the shadows of the two of them in the back seat of the car. The windows were fogged up. And I could see that Carrie had her head in Michael's lap.

I was enfuriated. She was blowing him instead of breaking up with him! What the hell?! Fucking great. I couldnt take it and left. An hour or more later I came back to the car and they were still there. Another hour passed and I returned. They had gotten out, and Michael's friend was telling them how we had thought they were having sex. They assured both of us that they were just talking. I had had enough of emotions and drama for the day. I said goodbye and started walking away. Carrie caught up with me and I asked her if she had been having sex with him. She told me they hadnt. So, I asked if she had broken up with him, and she said that she had, and that Michael thought it was just a 'break'. It did help to make the day a little brighter.

The next day we spent the whole time at the fair again. We were just with each other, and didnt worry. Nothing mattered. We were kissing gently in the middle of the fair, when, I looked behind Carrie and saw Michael's whole family. All of whom knew both me, and Carrie. I just hoped they hadnt seen us. They didnt mention anything weird when we spoke to them, and we went on our way. We went to eat some food at the McDonalds to get away from the fair. I was still shaking.

Carrie told me that it didnt matter because Michael and her werent currently dating, but i told her that it didnt matter much, because, Michael would find out that she and I were now dating. Not good either.

We went back to the fair, and we had a romantic time on the Ferris Wheel. Unlike all my other girlfriends, we didnt have to constantly hold hands, hug, or kiss. We just felt each other, and that was enough to satisfy. We saw the fireworks go off, and the night concluded perfectly. It was everything I had hoped for with her the night before.

Chapter 3: The Lies

And this is where the whole thing gets turned upside down. Carrie came over a week or so later, and she and I hadnt been spending much time on the phone anymore. It was weird, and I figured that she had just become disenchanted. This whole time I had a girl on the side I had been dating for some time off and on, but she and I rarely saw each other, and we hadnt had sex yet, so I didnt think much about the fact that I, too, was cheating on someone.

Carrie finally tells me, as we had spent the day together watching movies and sleeping together, that she had been spending all the last couple weeks with Michael. And that she had not really broken up with him. Greeeeeeeat.

My phone rings and it's Michael.
"Listen Mike, I just called Carrie's house, her mom told me she was over at your house. I'm on my way over, and I'll be on your doorstep in less than a minute."
We threw on our clothes, folded in the fold-out couch, and pretended like nothing was wrong. I told Carrie to answer my door. From upstairs I hear her scream, and I hear loud stomps up the stairs to my room. My room smelled like sex. Thank god he was a virgin and therefore unfamiliar with the scent. He was holding a BB pistol, and Carrie ran up the stair screaming "Dont hurt him!"

"What's going on Mike? What's my girlfriend doing over here?"
"We just been hanging out and watching movies. What's up with the BB gun?"
"It's yours, just wanted to return it."

It was minutes before my mom was coming home. I had to get them out of there quickly. I made excuses that they had to leave, and it seemed that Michael was suspicious. My mom pulled into the driveway just as Carrie and Michael disappeared around the corner. Barely made it. Michael called me from inside his car. "Listen Mike, the three of us need to talk and get things straightened out. Somethings going on and I wanna find out what."

I left my house, and joined them. We drove in silence to a nearby park. I was panicking. I didnt know what Michael did and didnt know. And I didnt wanna tell him something he didnt know already.

Standing in the park, Carrie and I lied. I told Michael the same story about my 'abilities' that I had told Carrie. I told him that, friend-wise, Carrie was my soul-mate, but not that we were in love, or anything else. And that was why we had been so secretive. He half bought it. He took me home.

Carrie called.
"Listen, I'm tired of this, I'm telling him everything. You and I arent meant to be together. I love him, and I see a future with him, not with you."
Brutal. She gave me one more chance to prove that we were meant to be together. She had purchased a replica sword and told me to use my powers to take it, and give it back to her at a later date. Since I had no real powers, the sword went nowhere, which must have solidified to her that either I was lying, or that she didnt mean enough to me for me to prove I have abilities to her.

I told her that she was just running towards a fake ideal of a white picket fence. She was too head strong and strong willed to be a stay at home mom, and too adventerous to marry a guy who wasnt going to travel anywhere. I told her goodbye, and to enjoy her white picket fence, and hung up.

A few days later, I went outside to ride my bike to a friend's house, and found a video game I had let Michael borrow, ontop of my bicycle. A note inside the user booklet said "Today, 3:00pm, Be Here". The shit must have hit the fan. And promptly at 3:00, Michael showed up. He told me to get into his car. I agreed, but I kept ahold of the knife in my pocket. He had some randomly violent tendencies, and I really didnt wanna get killed.

He told me that Carrie had informed him that she and I had been sleeping together for a long time, and that I had pretty much been trying to convince her to break up with Michael, and she didnt want to, but I wouldnt stop, or let her go, and I was obsessed with her. Terrific, she threw me under the bus to save her own ass, shoulda seen it coming.

I agreed to the truth of things, but I told him that it was her who was the agressor. I didnt tell him of how many times we had slept together, or anything. But by the end of the night, he seemed cool and we seemed able to stay friends.

Days later, my girlfriend called.
"What the hell, who is Carrie? I just got a call from Michael saying that you been banging his girlfriend." Fuck... I'm the odd man out. Apparently it was too much for Michael to just let it go. He had to try and destroy the other relationship I had. I was good at denying things, and the whole thing blew over pretty quickly. Word spread through the town quickly, and I went suddenly from nerd/geek most of the town only knew of, to well known, and well hated, cheating guy/manwhore.

Chapter 4: The Separation and Reuniting

A few months later, I moved out to another state. My girlfriend and I had started getting kinda serious. By my current standards it wasnt at all serious, but at the time I believed it was. I was living out of state and checking my myspace one day, and Carrie had messaged me. She had said that her and Michael had split because he got freaky and abusive. She and I started talking on the phone again, our awesome long conversations.

It always amazed us how well we got along. And how well and easily we could just pick up where we had left off from our last talk, even though months had passed. I was moving back into town temporarily for a month or so to help my brother and I move to California. I was going to be living with my best friend in town as I was no longer in contact with my mother.

While I was gone from the town I was able to reevaluate the things I never got to do, and specifically the girls I was never able to sleep with. And since Carrie and I were back in touch, and she was away from Michael, it seemed appropriate that she and I would be able to spend lots of time together.

When I got into town, I spent the first week or so with my girlfriend practically living with me. Then Carrie said to me over the phone that she and I could hook up. I promptly made a fake excuse of needing a break to my girlfriend, and the next day Carrie was spending the night. It was something she and I had always wanted to do.

My best friend, whom I was living with, and his girlfriend kept commenting about how cute we were together. But, for me, something was missing. The sex wasnt as magical. I didnt have the feeling behind it that I once did when I said I loved her. After only a few days straight of her spending all her time with me, I could practically taste this void between us. She seemed to love me more than ever, more honest than ever, but I never felt farther from her.

We still had awesome conversations, and we still slept together, but it now seemed like the sex was just something to get out of the way. Something we just did, and then would continue talking. I felt closer to her as a person, but I suddenly realized that she was too insecure, and deceitful, and not traveled enough for me to be able to ever date again. I suddenly realized that what she and I were was an ideal that had shattered a half year earlier.

It soon turned out that she and Michael were living together, and that she had been sneaking over to my friend's place. It was too much drama again. I thought she had grown up, moved on, but she hadnt. Maybe that was the distance I was feeling, I dont know. So I split things with her and mended things with my girlfriend. Carrie and I kept in touch on occassion while I was in California for the next few months. She sent me some letters, and they were nice to read.

After only a few months my brother and I moved back into town with my grandmother, until we could find an apartment. Carrie and I saw each other once, and I think we made out for a moment, but again, the spark was gone, it seemed a chore, or courtesy.

Just after my brother and I got our apartment, my old girlfriend and I split for good because she moved to California and left me for a black guy. It ended roughly. Carrie and I kept in touch more and more, and she decided to come over for guitar lessons from me. She was in a new relationship now, with some new guy. And I was dating an old friend from High School. Carrie and I reminisced about the old days, but I kept my distance from her, emotionally. I enjoyed our common interests, and the special feeling and connection we had, but it now had a title, a place, a name. I realized I loved her now, like a sister. Someone who had a lot to learn, and hurt me unintentionally, but still, hurt me. We were close in age, but in maturity, I was leaps and bounds ahead and because of that, she would never be on the same level as me.

I realized that we were twins. We werent ex's. Our soul's were identical, but everything else didnt match. She was a best friend, and would always be, just like any of my best friends I had kept in contact with.

My new girlfriend Kristen slept over one night. I tried to have sex with her, but she wasnt ready. After that she called less, until suddenly, every time we made plans to hang out, she was out snowboarding with a friend. She bought me some christmas presents. Said she loved me. One day she somehow found out that Carrie and I were talking, which she didnt like, because she and the rest of the town knew about our past. She was really just a fling, a way to get over my ex. Then suddenly I asked her who she had been spending all her time with. She had been spending all her time with Michael. They had been snowboarding together, and suddenly I realized what was happening.

Michael was pissed that ever since me and Carrie had our fling together, it ruined their future. So, he found out from friends of the town that Kristen and I were dating, and decided to steal her from me. Try and get revenge on me. Kristen was a virgin, and hadnt been ready. Kristen told me one day that she was leaving me for Michael. She said she could see a future with him, that he had direction. I told her to enjoy her white picket fence.

Months later she texted me thanking me for not taking her virginity, she wasnt ready, even when Michael took it. She thanked me for respecting her.

Carrie and I had more guitar lessons together, but things had changed, and we acknowledged that fact. I had found a new girlfriend and she and I were very serious, and I really did love her, and Carrie said she had found the same thing in someone too. It was always depressing when she came over, it was a haunting reminder of a shitty part of the past I had, and it seemed that Carrie was wanting, and aching for me to just tell her I loved her. She didnt say it or hint at it, but it seemed that in the negative spaces of what wasnt being said was her yearning for me to tell her to be with me. She was with a guy she liked, maybe even love, but the guy didnt like me, and didnt want her talking to me. And he had no direction for leaving the state, or getting a college education. He wanted her to be a stay at home mom.

Thats just not Carrie. Its not how she is, but she is torn. She loves him, and she holds me in a special place in her soul, as I do with her, but she has to choose between guys she loves, and being in touch with me. It must be tough for her. I feel bad, really.

Last time I saw her, she came into my work and told me she was engaged. She showed me the ring. All I could think of to say is "enjoy your white picket fence". It sounds antagonizing, but its not. She has to either force herself to really want to be a dependent, stay at home mom, and just learn to live like that, or she has to learn that that isnt who she is or what she wants, and find a way to change things.

Anyway, that last time I saw her was probably close to a year ago give or take a few months. I miss our old talks, and it's been too long that we have been in contact with each other. I hope she is okay, and happy. Even if she doesnt get back in touch with me because she loves some guy who doesnt want us talking, thats fine. I love her enough to let her create her own identity separate of me. I have certainly found my own identity, and figured out what kind of connection she and I have. She is my soul's twin. But I found my soul's mate. I hope she can do the same, and she and I can return to our great and long talks. I miss those talks and discussions terribly, and despite everything, I am not mad at her. In fact I understand her. We make mistakes. That was more than three years ago, the Fair. She and I were 17 years old. We are almost 21 now. I hope that we can get back in touch and never lose touch again.

She and I used to always say that we were the kind of people who could go months or even years without contact, and then get back in touch, and pick right back up where we left off. I am ready to pick back up with our friendship, and I hope she is too. If not, then I will wait patiently until the day she does.